Hey friend,
My client Laurie feels frustrated and overwhelmed, because she comes home from work to make dinner, do the whole bath time and bedtime routine with her kids, and then clean up the kitchen, while her husband plays with the kids a bit while she’s cooking, and then falls asleep watching TV.
Laurie has tried to talk to him about how she feels, but he just doesn’t seem to understand.
When she says it doesn’t feel fair that she’s always expected to make dinner, he jumps in to suggest they just order pizza. When she says she’s frustrated that she always ends up cleaning the kitchen after the kids are in bed, he tells her that he would be happy to clean the kitchen, and all she has to do is ask! When she tells him she needs more help with the kids, he gets a bit defensive because at least he plays with them while she’s cooking, which is way more than most guys do, and points out that she only does the bedtime routine because she’s way better with that kind of thing!
Laurie’s husband isn’t an asshole. He’s a genuinely good, kind person who loves her, and Laurie feels like an ungrateful nag sometimes. After all, he’s a great father who does spend more time playing with the kids than a lot of her friends’ husbands. And he does clean the kitchen when she asks him to– in fact, he’s pretty much always happy to help out around the house when she asks him to. The problem is that Laurie just… doesn’t want to have to ask.
It’s bigger than that, actually, because what Laurie really wants is to feel like the burden of domestic and childcare labor– including the labor of paying attention to what needs doing– was split between them equitably. The fact that her husband is willing to “help out” is great, but Laurie knows that in order for him to see cleaning the kitchen as “helping out,” then cleaning the kitchen must be understood as a task that is rightfully hers. And while it’s obviously great that he spends quality time with the kids most evenings, Laurie often feels resentful that she doesn’t get to spend a similar amount of quality time with them, because her time with them ends up being focused on parenting tasks, while his time with them gets to be focused on playing and connecting.
The worst part of all of this is that it didn’t used to be like this. Laurie has always identified as a feminist, and in fact one of the reasons she was first attracted to her husband was that he seemed to share her views. He was different from a lot of men she had dated previously– he was more in touch with his emotional side, more willing to be vulnerable, and a better listener. When they first lived together, things around the house felt more or less fifty-fifty, and she loved that he always talked about wanting to be an equal partner when they had kids, insisting that he couldn’t wait to change diapers and drive the kids to soccer practice, because his dad never did that kind of stuff.
From what I can gather, both Laurie and her husband were surprised by how their dynamic changed when their first daughter was born, because the baby was colicky, and the only thing that calmed her down was Laurie’s boobs. So that whole first year, Laurie felt stressed and overwhelmed, while her husband felt frustrated and helpless, and they started falling into patterns they never would have imagined for themselves. Laurie became the default parent, her husband took a promotion and started working longer hours, and their emotional and physical intimacy took a backseat. Then, right as their daughter was about to turn three, and things were starting to feel a bit more manageable and familiar again, Laurie got pregnant with her second child.
If you’re a parent yourself, you might be familiar with the black hole that a relationship can fall into when you have babies and toddlers– when you’re both so tired and stressed and busy that you lose track of yourself as a whole person, and become more “partners in parenting” than “partners in love.”
This is what Laurie says happened in her marriage– that they had to be more focused on surviving than thriving, and fell into patterns that probably didn’t really feel good to either of them, because there just wasn’t enough spare time or energy to talk about it. After all, who has the energy to fight about dishes or sex when you’re both just exhausted?
Fast forward to now, and Laurie tells me that there is so much her husband doesn’t know about her experience and feelings. She knows that the person she married would want to know how much she’s struggling, and would want to work through their issues together, but at this point it feels too scary to open the floodgates.
“How do I tell him that I feel completely abandoned most days, and that I’m filled with resentment… about things I could have just spoken up about, and didn’t?”
Laurie knows that she should have spoken up a long time ago, and almost feels like she isn’t allowed to complain now because she didn’t, and she knows how (understandably) hurt and defensive her husband would be if she tries to lay out six years of wounds and complaints.
“I feel like I made this bed, and now I just have to sleep in it,” she says, and then starts to cry.
“What do you wish your husband knew, or understood?” I ask her.
“I wish he knew how much this sucks for me, and that I really need him to step up and be the equal partner he promised me he would be.”
If this story resonates with you, you’re not alone. This kind of story is so common in my coaching practice that I hear a version of it in my private coaching call every single week. In fact, Laurie isn’t even actually based on a real client! She’s actually just a composite, based on dozens and dozens of people that I’ve worked with, because (as you can probably imagine), I work with a lot of women who partner with men, and partnering with men under patriarchy can be incredibly fucking hard.
In fact, if you happen to be a woman who dates, sleeps with, or partners with men, I’m willing to bet that this story feels familiar to you in one way or another. Maybe you, like Laurie, have felt frustrated at some point by the default patterns of inequality in your relationships with men. Maybe you’ve found yourself swallowing your truth to avoid conflict in the moment, only to end up with a hoard of resentments that your partner doesn’t know anything about… or maybe you’ve tried to explain them to him, only to discover that he gets defensive, or doesn’t have the space, skill, or interest in working through the bigger issues with you.
If this sounds familiar, please know that you are not alone. This is one of the most frequent questions I get asked, and most common issues I help clients deal with… so much so in fact, that when I was putting together the material for my self-study Patreon course Fuck The Patriarchy, I knew I needed to dedicate a whole entire module to how to build healthy, equitable, and fulfilling relationships under patriarchy!
I’ve just published the webinar (along with the companion worksheets full of practices, journal questions, and resources) on this topic in Patreon, and I want to invite you to check it out. I broke the topic into two distinct sections— the first section is for people who are dating and looking for a partner, and the second is for people who are already partnered, and hate the fact that their partnership has fallen into patterns that don’t work for them.
If you want access to this material, there are two ways to get it:
Join my Patreon at the $25/month level or higher! This membership gives you access to the Fuck The Patriarchy course material each month, as well as tons of other benefits, like access to the live community zoom call and entry into a quarterly merch giveaway!
Hit reply and let me know you want access to the webinar and worksheets for just this module of course material! It stands on its own so it’s ok if you haven’t gone through the rest of the course– I’ll just send you an invoice and email the material directly!
Our intimate relationships make up such a big part of our lives, and dating/partnering with men under patriarchy can present a very specific set of obstacles, so I am beyond passionate about this topic, and so excited to get this material in your hands. Let me know if you have any questions, and of course feel free to apply for private coaching with me here if you’re looking for individualized guidance and support around your dating or relationship life!
Big hug,
Jessi
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