Hot take: I love getting older, and I always have.
Yesterday was my 38th birthday, so I’ve been thinking a lot about aging, especially as a femme-presenting person, and all of the complex shit that tends to bring up.
After all, despite the recent cache of female celebrities blowing everyone’s minds by managing to somehow still look hot as they get older, the only way they’re able to accomplish this heroic feat is by plugging into a magical fountain of youth (read: money) so that they don’t look their age.
After all, looking hot is seen as a huge accomplishment, and everyone knows women are hottest when they’re extremely young, so these incredible celebrities are pulling off a massive achievement: erasing any signs of their actual age, so that we can still view them as young, and therefore as fuckable, which is to say… worthy of taking up space!
Now, for what it’s worth, there are a few badass celebs pushing back against our culture’s youth-obsessed beauty ideals, like Tracee Ellis Ross, Pamela Anderson, and Helen Mirren—who is quoted as responding “it’s much better to age disgracefully” when asked about the pressure to age “gracefully” in Hollywood, which of course I love! But by and large, women in the public eye are expected to do everything they can to avoid looking their age.
Anyway, all this messaging means I know I’m supposed to view any and all visible signs of aging as a bad thing, and strive to look as young as possible forever. Thanks to body neutrality however, I just… don’t. (And won’t!)
Body neutrality means I know, deep down in my bones, that the way I look has nothing to do with how much respect, attention, love, or acceptance I deserve.
I move through the world secure in the fact that my worth and value have nothing whatsoever to do with how fuckable I am to men (or anyone), so looking older doesn’t scare me.
That alone makes getting older pretty delightful, if I’m being honest. It’s like each new wrinkle and white hair is a secret little rebellion against the patriarchy; like continuing to love and accept myself, take up space, and feel confident and worthy becomes more of an act of civil disobedience with each passing year.
That said, there are many other things I love about getting older too (beyond the admittedly childish pleasure I take in subverting social norms and ideals) and today I want to share a few of them with you, in case you need a reminder that no matter what society says, getting older is a wonderful thing.
4 More Things I Love About Getting Older
I love gaining wisdom and experience.I don’t believe age automatically brings wisdom, but it’s hard to argue with the fact that wisdom requires time and experience, both of which are only available to you by sticking around on earth for a while. The older I get, the more time I have to explore and experiment, stretch and grow, heal and release, connect and consider, and integrate everything I’ve learned and experienced. Getting older may be a passive process, but getting wiser is an active one (as well as an incredibly rewarding one!). When I look back at my twenties and early thirties, I’m both proud and grateful for how far I’ve come, and that makes it difficult to feel anything but excited about where I’m going next.
I love knowing myself better. This one could be lumped in with “wisdom and experience,” but I’ve decided it’s important enough to deserve its own category! As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I have always been deeply interested in my own inner world, and I consider my relationship with myself to be the most important one in my life, so I’m highly invested in tending to it. To me, that means a commitment to staying connected and “in conversation” with the wisdom of my body, heart, and intuition, as well as to showing up for myself with the unconditional respect, compassion, curiosity, and care required to keep that connection safe and strong. Like any relationship, my connection to myself has its ups and downs, and who I understand myself to be is constantly evolving, growing, and changing… but I think that’s exactly the point! When I was younger I was more concerned with figuring out what kind of person I was, as if there was some kind of concrete, intrinsic answer that I needed to find. The older I get, however, the more I understand that my identity is a constant collaboration with the world, not a fixed point, which makes it easier to meet myself with compassion and acceptance wherever I happen to be in any given moment, experiment and take risks without self-judgment or fear of failure, and feel both curious and excited about where the future will take me.
I love being a less vulnerable target for objectification.This one is a tricky one for a lot of folks, especially women and femmes, because we’re supposed to think of sexualization and objectification (especially from men) as a compliment or source of validation, and I know it can feel incredibly painful, lonely, and scary to feel that slipping away as we get older. Personally, however, I find it incredibly liberation and empowering!The truth is that our society teaches us that our value depends on our attractiveness, and our attractiveness depends on our vulnerability. Have you noticed how often the women sharing #MeToo type stories were very young, and/or that the man was older and in a position of power/authority? It’s not just because she didn’t have the skills, confidence, or wisdom to protect herself, it’s that youth brings with it an inherent vulnerability. Whether due to socioeconomic factors, a lack of education/experience, or just the inherent power dynamics of age, predatory men know that younger women are easier to manipulate, exploit, and abuse…and prefer them for that exact reason. I am very lucky to have gained enough financial privilege and stability as I’ve aged to protect me from a lot of the factors that made me vulnerable in my twenties, and I know a lot of the growth and healing work I’ve done to dismantle internalized patriarchy makes me come across as less vulnerable and appealing to certain men. But there is also the undeniable fact that simply by getting older, I have “aged out” of the vulnerable target audience for a lot of predatory behavior, and I look forward to that continuing. (Note: while I am reflecting on a pattern here, people of all ages and genders can of course be targeted by predators and experience objectification, manipulation, exploitation, and abuse. There are many factors that make a person more vulnerable in this way, nearly all of which are based on the inherent power differential between people with a certain kind of privilege, and those without.)
I love learning and growing.A big part of the existential dread a lot of people feel about getting older is the sense of stagnancy we associate with it. We think of our teens and twenties as the time for experimentation and adventure—for trying new things, meeting new people, developing our independence and personality, and having fun— before we “settle down” and submit to the drudgery of being a boring, stress-out adult. And in fairness, a lot of people do end up feeling stuck as they get older due to factors like financial pressures, job stress, relationship dissatisfaction, parenting/family demands, or a simple lack of exposure to new ideas, people, and activities. But while we often do take on more responsibilities as we get older, and it often does get harder to make time for adventure, fun, and personal growth, stagnancy is not an automatic feature of aging. One of my personal goals in life is to always be learning and growing, and I think I’ve only gotten better at both as I age. After my book was published, I spent quite a bit of time wallowing in the exhausted apathy of burnout, and one of the most bizarre parts of the experience was that my curiosity—which had been my constant companion from childhood—seemed to have just evaporated into thin air. After reading thirty to forty non-fiction books per year on average for nearly a decade, all I wanted to do was paint, get lost in epic sci-fi and fantasy, and sleep. As my spark came back, I realized this had actually been a really intuitive move, because while I wouldn’t have predicted it, I’m actually really interested in creative world-building, long-form storytelling, and working with my hands! In the time since, I have thrown myself into learning all kinds of new skills like making art, baking, growing herbs and vegetables, wood-carving, and using power tools for home improvement! I still really suck at most of these things, but I love the process of trying, learning, practicing, and improving. I’ve even been thinking of trying my hand at writing some fiction soon too, because that sounds like a fascinating adventure! (And this isn’t even to mention the endless deep growth and learning that’s come from navigating partnership with my life partner!)All of this is to say that getting older doesn't mean you have to stop learning, growing, adventuring, or exploring. And in my personal opinion, continuing to prioritize these experiences not only keeps aging from feeling scary and negative, it actually makes seeing where life will take you as you continue getting older feel expansive and exciting!
That’s it for today. Thank you for being here on this adventure with me, and reading what I write.
I love you,
Jessi
PS I still have a few coaching spots available in my upcoming coaching programs– one is on body neutrality, and the other is about overcoming the constant overwhelm of being highly sensitive. Apply for 1:1 coaching here!
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